I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
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Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.