what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”