“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
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Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
they really do be looking like this
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly