Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
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[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
No, he would not have.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party