trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
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A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?