A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
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Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”