I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
You Might Also Like
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Every time.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am