Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
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[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.