figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
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opening twitter today
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT