When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
You Might Also Like
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call