Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
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doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Respect
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
March 16
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”