me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
*lint rolls you awake*
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..