[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
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Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I’ll be mad as hell!
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”