NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
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I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
“you recording!?”
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.