Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
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Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I’m a bad influence on myself.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.