Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
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me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28