At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
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“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
The booster protects against what, now?
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday