My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
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I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
My five year plan is a meteorite
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard