teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
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They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I like crazy people until they notice me
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist: