Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
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Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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….
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“Oh god wait.”
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ