Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
You Might Also Like
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
For those that worship cheese..
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.