Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
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Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Raisins are grape jerky.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Twitter is an abusement park.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice