*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
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Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
shampoo implies shampee
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family