Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
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This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
next question.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore