Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
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WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.