Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
You Might Also Like
Me, reading some of your tweets
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “