It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
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I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Noted.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.