A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
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me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
…..pretty much.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
“Huge”.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.