My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
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I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
me doing my best
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets