[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
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Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*