My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
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When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
what?
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.