Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
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How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.