Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
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[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art