[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
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“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”