My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
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Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”