You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
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The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.