A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
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*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?