Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
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I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”