Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
new wife guy just dropped
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
We’ve all been there
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.