The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
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not to brag, but mine was free
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady