[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
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I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”