R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
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I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.