[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
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[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Going into Monday like
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.