My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
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Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.