my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
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Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking