therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
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Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.