My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
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*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?