Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.