long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
You Might Also Like
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I have a new favorite meme page
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
ibopfufen
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.