The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
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-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
the official breakfast of 2021
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad